there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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