just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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