Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
