How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
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Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
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I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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