You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
