"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm both gender and math confused
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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