my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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