Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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