that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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