3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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