My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
