Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
