like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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