I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
