your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
