My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
im about as happy as oj after his trial
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
