i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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