If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
What drink are we having for lunch?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
me + whiskey = a bad person
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
