you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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