omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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