By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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