I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
