so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
