you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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