We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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