hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
