Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
