She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I lost the right to judge tonight
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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