you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
