WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
