Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
false alarm, still single
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