I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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