I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
