I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
