She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
