Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.