Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.