meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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