You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
