So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
