he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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