"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
everyone is single if you try hard enough
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
