I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
