I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
