she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
