mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
