He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
