I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
