If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
