So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
