Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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