Can i not drive my cunt home
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
