I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
