have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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