is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
