I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
